About a year (ish) ago I asked G this question, “What do I do that annoys you?” Why would I ask him a question like that? I honestly wanted to know the answer.
I wanted to know what I do that got under his skin. I wanted to know what personality traits I have that just make him despise me. Okay, maybe despise is a harsh word. I did find out though that his answers to that tiny seven word question hit me like a ton of bricks.
When he gave me his answers, I’ll admit, I was pissed. How could he sit there and tell me these things that annoy him without any regard to my feelings in return? Why didn’t he sugar coat it and tell me, “Nothing. You’re perfect. I love everything about you.” Why didn’t he pick small things to point out? Why didn’t he? Because I asked for honesty. I only ever ask for honesty. That’s what he gave me, the honest truth. You know what? The truth fucking hurts.
You know what I did with this new revelation of annoyances? I made a point to change myself because when you love someone that’s what you do. You don’t have to change your entire self, but there are things that can be changed without you losing your identity. I’m still the independent, strong-willed person that he married. I’ll always be her.
So, since you do things for the one you love, this time I’m doing something for me. I can honestly say though that I don’t love myself. I’m trying to love myself, but it’s hard to. However, that’s another blog in and of itself. Let’s just say that this is something to help me get to that point someday.
Let’s get this party started…
Do you ever do things and you know you’re doing them, but you just can’t stop yourself no matter how hard your inner self is screaming at you to just SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY?! (Maybe your inner self’s vocabulary isn’t that colorful, but mine sure is.) I do this all the time. I hate when I do this. It annoys the crap out of me. I kind of like to call it a sort of buyer’s-remorse-self-conscious-style.
Another thing that I do that annoys me is feeling guilty for EVERYTHING. I do mean everything. When I do things (like the buyer’s remorse type stuff) I immediately feel guilty and start beating myself up about them. If I wore my inner beatings on the outside like battle scars I would be bruised and battered and you probably wouldn’t even recognize who I am.
I’m very easily distracted. I try to multi-task, but it really only backfires on me. When I try to do this I get distracted and everything that I’m working on suffers. I can’t do two things at once. I honestly can’t. This is why I can’t remember anything. I have one of the crappiest memories ever and it’s because when you told me something, or I’ve watched something, or I’ve read something then I’m usually doing something else at the same time and my brain can’t store all of that information at once.
One last thing (for now) that annoys me about myself is that I can never just spit out what I want to say when I want to say it. I know earlier I said that I say things without thinking, but sometimes I say things and hold back what I really want to say or it comes to me later and I kick myself for not thinking of it sooner. This may tie into the whole memory thing too, I dunno.
Those are the very minimal amount of things that I do that annoys me. I’m going to try really hard to focus on those and try to improve myself so I can work toward that ultimate goal of loving myself. We’ll see if I ever get to that point.
