Does 1.5 for 10 count??

Okay, so in October I offered up the challenge to lose 10 pounds for the 10th month. I did not acheive that goal or challenge. I actually gained 1.5 and then lost 3 so the total loss for October is 1.5. At least it was something.

I don’t know that I can go for 11 in 11. I did cut back on my fast food the past couple of weeks. I won’t mention what I ate for lunch 30 minutes ago, but it may or may not rhyme with tonic.

I’m just going to challenge myself to make wiser decisions, continue to eat less fast food, and try not to be wasteful with what food I do cook or bring into my home.

That is all.

Something’s gotta give…

…and I’m tired of it being my waistline and my monies.

A friend of mine (*cough* Dru *cough*) is always teasing me about my obsession over money and my budget. He’s right though, I do obsess about it. I’m completely fine with my obsessing over my accounts though.

Other than my set bills (and this past couple of months the Vet), food is my highest expenditure currently. I spent around $450* on food last month. WHAT?! Yeah, I am still in shell shock over that one. I honestly don’t see how that’s possible for one person to do, but I managed to do it! Well, I’m here to tell you that it will not happen again.

[Author edit: The $450 for "groceries/food" includes any household item, toiletries, dog food, etc. It's not strictly food. I have since reworked my budget and am trying to find ways of separating so that the monies set aside for food are actually going to just food. My budgeting software allows me to split a total. It's really just up to me to take the time to do the calculations and make those needed splits.]

No more fast food. Say it with me, folks – NO MORE FAST FOOD! That’s right. I am cutting myself off. It takes 28 days… 21 days… whatever, it takes about a month to make a habit. I’ve let myself eat fast food for way too long. So, beginning Monday (essentially this weekend since I won’t be going out to eat anywhere either) the fast food consumption ends… at least for the next 4 weeks. I have made a menu plan!

I got the idea of meal planning from FlyLady. I’ve mentioned her site before. I’ve just been putting it off. I’ve also been reading some various blogs about being frugal, minimalism, and not wasting things. One in particular that I love is The Frugal Girl. She has given me so many tips and ideas that I’ve used and I just love her blog.

From those different avenues of inspiration I have finally pulled together a menu plan. First, I inventoried my fridge, freezer, and cabinet so that I would know what I was working with here. The trick is to write everything down and include quantity. It makes it a little easier anyway. Next, I typed all of the inventoried food into an Excel spreadsheet in its own categories like so:

After making my food inventory spreadsheet, I then started to work on my meal plan. Yes, it is also a spreadsheet.

I know there are blanks. I can’t think of anything else and I have a feeling I’ll have used up all of my “good” stuff and then be left with sandwiches for the last week. I’m fine with that and if I have to do that then so be it. I like sandwiches. You can make all kinds of hot or cold sandwiches.

I also know that there isn’t a lot of variation in meals. I like what I like. I’m not going to go all extravagant and have a 9 course meal when it’s just me. I’m also still learning to cook for just one person and it’s not easy. I always make way too much. Case in point, yesterday I made stew. I froze some of it so I won’t be wasting a lot of it. I’m sure I’ll have it for dinner tonight, maybe tomorrow, and then you can see when I have it planned out for my menu.

Another thing that I did was jot down a few things that I do make. This isn’t everything, but it’s what I could think of.

Anyone have any thoughts on more meal ideas, recipes, or a better way to menu plan? I’m open for any suggestions and if you don’t menu plan, you spend too much eating out or at the grocery store, and you find yourself wasting food, you might consider it.

10 for 10

As most of you know, I’ve posted on Facebook and Twitter about my weight loss this year. So far, I have lost 38 pounds since January. *fist pump* I didn’t do it solely with diet and exercise though. I actually didn’t exercise at all. I know, big no no. I took the “easy” route and took Phentermine.

Actually, for the month of January I was enrolled in Weight Watchers (for the 3rd or 4th time, mind you). I managed to lose 7 pounds in January by counting my points and being a good girl. Still no exercise on my part though. BUT if you know anything about the WW program then you know that it has changed so many times over the years. That annoyed me so I cancelled my membership to it again. I like routine. I like consistency. When a program works, why change it? WW does work. I’m not saying that it doesn’t. I’ve lost 52 pounds on it before, but I plateaued and got frustrated and quit. Then they changed the program, etc etc.

So, I did the WW thing for a month before saying to hell with it and finally got a hold of the number for a doctor here in the city who hands out Phentermine like it’s candy. It’s not free though. It’s not insanely expensive either. I’m just on a budget and decided last month that there are better things to be spending my money on than diet pills and doctor visits when I can control my eating and get off my ass and exercise in order to lose the weight instead.

And here we are. October 1, 2011. I haven’t taken Phen for a month now. I haven’t lost anymore weight and I haven’t gained any either. I’ve miraculously maintained even though I feel like I’m eating like I’ve never tasted the deliciousness that is food before and I’m still… not… exercising.

IT ALL CHANGES TODAY!!

Last night, my girl text me and said, “I want to do 10 for 10. 10 pounds for October.” I immediately replied, “Let’s do it!” I then text Crys and told her about it and she’s in too! This made me even more excited and motivated to get this started. My girl also started a blog which she will update. It is The Calendar Diet. Check it out.

Crys has been telling/asking me to come to her Operation Boot Camp classes that she teaches for maybe 2 years now. I haven’t gone. Not even once. Horrible, huh? I’m not opposed to exercise. I’ve actually had a trainer in the past and I LOVED IT. Then my trainer became my friend. Then she started working out with me instead of working just me out. Then I started cancelling sessions. If I’m going to pay this person $30 for a 30 minute session 3 times a week then I don’t want to be spotting her while she does a work out on MY time. So I stopped paying for a trainer. Then I stopped going to the gym altogether. I haven’t been back since.

I have a treadmill. I have a gym membership. I have work out videos. I don’t use any of the tools that are right within my reach and are FREE. Whyyyyyyy?? Because I’m lazy.

NO MORE LAZY.

So today begins the 10 for 10. I currently weigh 229. Seriously. No one ever believes me when I tell them. I’m adding a picture of my scale below, date and BMI on there. The BMI also is considered morbidly obese I believe. Makes me a little sad, but I’m changing it! I also added a screen shot from the CDC’s website about BMI. I am 5’9″ so their sample height was perfect.

The place that I work has also been doing a health screening for the past 2 years. They weigh you, measure your height, check your blood pressure, and take a blood sample to test your glucose, cholesterol, triglycerides, etc. I have also inserted a comparison of my results from last year to this year. Some have improved, but some have gotten worse. I need to improve all of them and I WILL.

Let’s do this.

  

What are you doing to try to lose or maintain your weight? What exercises do you enjoy and think others will as well? Are you going to partake in the “10 for 10″ too? Post a comment and let me know!

minimalist in the making

Over the past few months, my life has changed significantly. I, myself, have changed even more. My life has shifted to a modified minimalist lifestyle.

“What is a minimalist lifestyle,” you ask. Well, there are people who believe that the world is being overrun with consumerism. If Sally McSparklepants has the latest and greatest gadget then Penny Von Pufferschmidt can’t be outdone! She has to go out and get the even better latest and greatest gadget than even Sally has. There is a constant need to have, to buy, and to obtain stuff. Frankly, I’m sick of stuff.

There are some minimalists who don’t have a TV, a couch, a bed frame, or even more than one bowl, one plate, and a single utensil to eat with all because they don’t feel that it’s necessary to have more than any one person should need. I am not to that extreme, nor will I ever be (I don’t think). I have minimized the “stuff” in my house over the past 8 months significantly though.

This is such a 180 from how I used to be. I was the kid growing up with multiple collections, every inch of wall space covered with magazine pages of celebrities, and always looking out for what other people had and how I could get it so I could be just like them. No more. I’m not completely changed though. Of course there are things that I still want or desire, but if they aren’t absolute necessities or a “treat” for saving and doing something in order to get it, then I don’t until I’ve actually earned the right to get it.

This all came about due to anxiety. Yes, anxiety. Okay, and maybe a tiny smidgen of OCD. I used to only clean when I was upset about something or pissed off. Then in February, my entire world was tilted on its axis and my anxiety skyrocketed. I would clean to calm my anxiety. I was cleaning to the point of obsessing over it. If I couldn’t clean, I would have an anxiety attack. The cycle of anxiety and obsessing just kept going and going to the point of exhaustion until I finally had to get on a system or I was going to go crazy.

Since I am OCD, I like for things to be organized. I am very much a perfectionist. I love lists. I love having things exactly where they should be. If I can’t have things perfect, then it would be total chaos. My house was majorly chaotic and I was to the point that I honestly didn’t give a shit about it or myself. I felt like there was no light at the end of the tunnel so I wouldn’t even try. I was overwhelmed.

Then I found FlyLady. I can honestly say that I don’t follow everything word for word or exactly as she says because, let’s face it, I do what I want. Yes, I implemented what she teaches, but in my own way. She teaches you that you can do anything for 15 minutes. I would always try to tackle a huge mess all at once and then I’d end up giving up because I didn’t think I would ever get it done. Well, I’m here to tell you that yes you can! You just can’t look at it as a whole. Only do what you can within a certain time frame and eventually small progress turns into completely clean! I was well on my way to getting my house clean and decluttered, thanks to FlyLady.

Then I just felt like I wasn’t doing enough. I felt like I still just had way too much stuff in my house, in my way, and I still wasn’t happy even though my house was looking amazing for once in my adult life. So, I got on my Kindle and searched “organization.” I’m pretty good at organizing, but you can always learn a trick or two. Well, in my six degrees of separation type Kindle search I found the book “Miss Minimalist: Inspiration to Downsize, Declutter, and Simplify.” Hmm, interesting. It’s 99 cents. I can spare that from the budget. So, I read it. I’m inspired. I’ve found what I didn’t even know I was searching for!

I am currently reading “The Joy of Less, A Minimalist Living Guide: How to Declutter, Organize, and Simplify Your Life” and I also bought “Frugillionaire: 500 Ways to Live Richly and Save a Fortune.” I will read it next and then I’ll have an amazing house and then I’ll be rich, bitch! Ha! Just kidding. Not kidding about the reading it next part though. That part is very much true.

The author of the three books I’ve mentioned also has a blog called miss minimalist. I would tell you to check it out, but I still haven’t even checked it out. I’ve been too busy decluttering my house! Check it out though for real. Do it. I promise I will too. Maybe. Okay I will!

I honestly have no idea how much I’ve actually pared down and moved out of my house, but it’s substantial. I still have so much more to go and my home is nowhere near where I’d like it to be, but it’s getting there and I’m happy with it, my life, and myself. Finally.

There’s no text that can replace a loving touch…

This gave me premature ventricular contractions. (Also a partial line from the movie. It means it made my heart skip a beat.)

“I was shooting a scene in my new film, No Strings Attached, in which I say to Natalie Portman, “If you miss me. you can’t text, you can’t email, you can’t post it on my Facebook wall. If you really miss me, you come and see me.” I began to think of all of the billions of intimate exchanges sent daily via fingers and screens, bouncing between satellites and servers. With all this texting, emailing, and social networking, I started wondering, are we all becoming so in touch with one another that we are in danger of losing touch? It used to be that boy met girl and they exchanged phone numbers. Anticipation built. They imagined the entire relationship before a call ever happened. The phone rang. Hearts pounded. “Hello?” Followed by a conversation that lasted two hours but felt like two minutes and would be examined with friends for two weeks. If all went well, a date was arranged. That was then. Now we exchange numbers but text instead of calling because it mitigates the risks of early failure and eliminates those deafening moments of silence. Now anticipation builds. Bdoop. “It was NICE meeting u” Both sides overanalyze every word. We talk to a friend, an impromptu Cyrano: “He wrote nice in all caps. What does that mean? What do I write back?” Then we write a response and delete it 10 times before sending a message that will appear 2 care, but not 2 much. If all goes well, a date will be arranged. Whether you like it or not, the digital age has produced a new format for modern romance, and natural selection may be favoring the quick-thumbed quip peddler over the confident, ice-breaking alpha male. Or maybe we are hiding behind the cloak of digital text and spell-check to present superior versions of ourselves while using these less intimate forms of communication to accelerate the courting process. So what’s it really good for? There is some argument about who actually invented text messaging, but I think it’s safe to say it was a man. Multiple studies have shown that the average man uses about half as many words per day as women, thus text messaging. It eliminates hellos and goodbyes and cuts right to the chase. Now, if that’s not male behavior, I don’t know what is. It’s also great for passing notes. there is something fun about sharing secrets with your date while in the company of others. think of texting as a modern whisper in your lover’s car. Sending sweet nothings on Twitter or Facebook is also fun. in some ways, it’s no different than sending flowers to the office: You are declaring your love for everyone to see. Who doesn’t like to be publicly adored. Just remember that what you post is out there and there’s some stuff you can’t un-see. But the reality is that we communicate with every part of our being, and there are times when we must use it all. When someone needs us, he or she needs all of us. There’s no text that can replace a loving touch when someone we love is hurting. We haven’t lost romance in the digital age, but we may be neglecting it. In doing so, antiquated art forms are taking on new importance. The power of a hand-written letter is greater than ever. It’s personal and deliberate means more than an email or text ever will. It has a unique scent. It requires deciphering. But, most important, it’s flawed There are errors in handwriting, punctuation, grammar, and spelling that show our vulnerability. And vulnerability is the essence of romance. It’s the art of being uncalculated, the willingness to look foolish, the courage to say, “This is me, and I’m interested in you enough to show you my flaws with the hope that you may embrace me for all that I am but, more importantly, all that I am not.” -Ashton Kutcher

The secrets I can’t tell are told by you.

A few years ago my friend Julia told me about PostSecret. Since then I’ve read the secrets on their site and I’ve even gotten some of their books. I can relate to some of the secrets and have even said, like many others out there, that “hey, that’s my secret too.” I’ve even thought of my own secrets to send in. I have never sent one though.

I’m scared to send in my own secrets. Why, you ask. When they’re in my head, inside me, they’re mine. If I were to get them out, put them on paper and make them real would be just that, making them real. I’m not prepared for that. I’m not prepared to emotionally accept the secrets that I hold within. I’m not prepared for the world to see them and possibly say, “hey, that’s my secret too.”

I know that I’m not the only one out there with the same secrets I hold. I would be completely naive to think that. I just really don’t want to let go of my secrets and know that someone else may have the exact same one as I do. Keeping them within allows me to ground myself and also self chastise in a way. I know, I shouldn’t do that, but I’ve done it for so long now it’s just second nature.

I have written in previous posts that I don’t love myself. Some of these secrets that I hold inside are a root cause as to why I don’t and possibly never will love me. Maybe if I were to let go of some of them then I would begin to see what others see. I also think though, if those that see me as such an amazing individual and who love me were to know these secrets that I hold, then they wouldn’t love me anymore either. That terrifies me.

Here’s what I’m going to do though, start writing down my secrets. (I literally just let out a huge breath that I didn’t even know I was holding.) I’m going to find a notebook and write them down. I’m going to start small, but I will start with one today.

Who knows, maybe you’ll see one of my secrets on the PostSecret website, Facebook, or in one of their books one of these days. Until then, enjoy some of my favorite secrets I’ve saved from the site:

Just Be Me

Twitter Updates – Posted by me 3/20/2010

• Twitter really makes you second guess who you are; what you think you present to people versus what they truly see or interpret from it.50 minutes ago
• Twitter also shows the true colors of others.It offers people a false sense of security that they won’t be judged if they say cruel things. 46 minutes ago
• Especially if those cruel things are said via a pseudonym. It’s disheartening and it makes me unbelievably sad to know people are like this.44 minutes ago
• I never guard my heart. I’ve learned over the past few months it’s something I’m going to have to start doing. I let anyone and everyone in.38 minutes ago
• Some that I let in are genuine. Others are only using me as a stepping stone to get what they want at the time and move on. It breaks me.36 minutes ago
• If I let you in, it’s genuine. This is me. I love everyone I meet and they love me. Whether they are genuine or not is the true question.35 minutes ago
• I’ve found more often than not lately that they aren’t. True colors are revealed and I’m the one left there baffled and heartbroken. 34 minutes ago
• I throw the term “friend” around too loosely. But how do you change yourself after 29 years? You don’t. You continue on as you have.32 minutes ago
• You keep being you. You keep being the one that people who are genuinely your friend know and love. So that’s what I’ll do. Just be me.30 minutes ago

an·noy – 1. To cause slight irritation to (another) by troublesome, often repeated acts.

About a year (ish) ago I asked G this question, “What do I do that annoys you?” Why would I ask him a question like that? I honestly wanted to know the answer.

I wanted to know what I do that got under his skin. I wanted to know what personality traits I have that just make him despise me. Okay, maybe despise is a harsh word. I did find out though that his answers to that tiny seven word question hit me like a ton of bricks.

When he gave me his answers, I’ll admit, I was pissed. How could he sit there and tell me these things that annoy him without any regard to my feelings in return? Why didn’t he sugar coat it and tell me, “Nothing. You’re perfect. I love everything about you.” Why didn’t he pick small things to point out? Why didn’t he? Because I asked for honesty. I only ever ask for honesty. That’s what he gave me, the honest truth. You know what? The truth fucking hurts.

You know what I did with this new revelation of annoyances? I made a point to change myself because when you love someone that’s what you do. You don’t have to change your entire self, but there are things that can be changed without you losing your identity. I’m still the independent, strong-willed person that he married. I’ll always be her.

So, since you do things for the one you love, this time I’m doing something for me. I can honestly say though that I don’t love myself. I’m trying to love myself, but it’s hard to. However, that’s another blog in and of itself. Let’s just say that this is something to help me get to that point someday.

Let’s get this party started…

Do you ever do things and you know you’re doing them, but you just can’t stop yourself no matter how hard your inner self is screaming at you to just SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY?! (Maybe your inner self’s vocabulary isn’t that colorful, but mine sure is.) I do this all the time. I hate when I do this. It annoys the crap out of me. I kind of like to call it a sort of buyer’s-remorse-self-conscious-style.

Another thing that I do that annoys me is feeling guilty for EVERYTHING. I do mean everything. When I do things (like the buyer’s remorse type stuff) I immediately feel guilty and start beating myself up about them. If I wore my inner beatings on the outside like battle scars I would be bruised and battered and you probably wouldn’t even recognize who I am.

I’m very easily distracted. I try to multi-task, but it really only backfires on me. When I try to do this I get distracted and everything that I’m working on suffers. I can’t do two things at once. I honestly can’t. This is why I can’t remember anything. I have one of the crappiest memories ever and it’s because when you told me something, or I’ve watched something, or I’ve read something then I’m usually doing something else at the same time and my brain can’t store all of that information at once.

One last thing (for now) that annoys me about myself is that I can never just spit out what I want to say when I want to say it. I know earlier I said that I say things without thinking, but sometimes I say things and hold back what I really want to say or it comes to me later and I kick myself for not thinking of it sooner. This may tie into the whole memory thing too, I dunno.

Those are the very minimal amount of things that I do that annoys me. I’m going to try really hard to focus on those and try to improve myself so I can work toward that ultimate goal of loving myself. We’ll see if I ever get to that point.

The Pain Remains

There are times in our lives where we fuck up. We think we’re doing the right thing at the time, but in actuality we’re just setting ourselves up for our own destruction. I do this all the time. In fact, I’m probably the Queen of self destructive tendencies.

I know that I fuck up. I know that I’m not perfect. I never said that I was and I don’t expect anyone else to think that I am but, when I do fuck up I step up and I own it.

With that said, there are also times in our lives where we aren’t the one who fucked up. We are the one who has the finger pointed at us for reasons that we are completely unaware of and we’re left standing there wondering “What the fuck just happened?!”

I’ve experienced situations like that this year. I’m here to tell you that it fucking hurts. Not just a surface kind of hurt that you get over the pain in a day and move on. It’s a hurt that runs so deep that it literally feels like your heart is breaking inside your chest. It’s the kind of hurt that leaves you broken and no matter what is said or done the pain remains. It never goes away.

Fourth of July

I’m sitting on the beach at my dad’s house. It’s the fourth of July. Independence Day. It’s raining and the sounds around me are all a mixed symphony of beauty.

There are children laughing. Ooohing and aaahing at the fireworks that are exploding around me. Echoing in the surrounding cove. Thunder is clapping trying to drown out the fireworks. Rain is falling and tapping at the leaves above my head. Splattering as it makes contact with the water at my feet.

I’ve never felt more at peace than I do at this moment. Even with all the noises surrounding me. Consuming me. It’s completely peaceful and so beautiful. I’m in love with this moment in time.

Ell. Oh. Vee. Eee.