A few years ago my friend Julia told me about PostSecret. Since then I’ve read the secrets on their site and I’ve even gotten some of their books. I can relate to some of the secrets and have even said, like many others out there, that “hey, that’s my secret too.” I’ve even thought of my own secrets to send in. I have never sent one though.
I’m scared to send in my own secrets. Why, you ask. When they’re in my head, inside me, they’re mine. If I were to get them out, put them on paper and make them real would be just that, making them real. I’m not prepared for that. I’m not prepared to emotionally accept the secrets that I hold within. I’m not prepared for the world to see them and possibly say, “hey, that’s my secret too.”
I know that I’m not the only one out there with the same secrets I hold. I would be completely naive to think that. I just really don’t want to let go of my secrets and know that someone else may have the exact same one as I do. Keeping them within allows me to ground myself and also self chastise in a way. I know, I shouldn’t do that, but I’ve done it for so long now it’s just second nature.
I have written in previous posts that I don’t love myself. Some of these secrets that I hold inside are a root cause as to why I don’t and possibly never will love me. Maybe if I were to let go of some of them then I would begin to see what others see. I also think though, if those that see me as such an amazing individual and who love me were to know these secrets that I hold, then they wouldn’t love me anymore either. That terrifies me.
Here’s what I’m going to do though, start writing down my secrets. (I literally just let out a huge breath that I didn’t even know I was holding.) I’m going to find a notebook and write them down. I’m going to start small, but I will start with one today.